There Is Always A Lesson

At a recent presentation I gave, the question came up, “How am I supposed to be a good leader when the examples I have to follow are bad?” It sparked an interesting conversation that brought me back to my childhood. Whether we are talking about developing our morals and values as a kid or growing as a leader in the midst of a crisis, this is an important lesson to learn.

When we are young, or new at something, we learn how to do things from others. They give us their knowledge, and they also give us their problems. We don’t know the difference, we just take it in and file it under “how this works.” As we develop our skills and our ability to make larger connections, we start to understand what aligns with our world view and what doesn’t. This process of sorting and understanding actually changes our views a little bit as our knowledge increases. What we choose to assimilate and reject determines our actions. My fellow Gen X-ers will likely remember an anti-drug commercial that was on television in the 1980’s. A father confronts his son with the marijuana and pipe he had found and begins questioning at the son. The dad asks, “Who taught you how to do this stuff?” and the kid yells, “I learned it by watching you!” Leaders, whatever the title or role, set culture. Followers learn that culture and live it. Or choose not to.

This is the lesson: there is always a lesson. We can learn from our experience what to do, and what not to do. Understanding we have not only the power, but the responsibility, to choose how we respond, what actions we repeat, and what we should set aside or correct is how we create accountability and autonomy in our lives.

One way we learn those lessons through emotional intelligence. Self-awareness will tell us is we liked something or not. Self-management is whether we choose to do that action again or allow that action to be done to use again. Social-awareness is being attuned to the impact the action has on others, and social-management is whether we support or discourage others from acting the same way. These are choices we get to make again and again.

At some point we experience the difference between how we feel after blowing up and yelling at someone and when we stay calm and use a respectful approach. We feel the pit in our stomach. We see the look in their eyes. We feel the energy in the room. We’ve felt the need to apologize. (Whether we’ve acted on it or not.) We’ve felt awkward about starting the next conversation in a few hours or days. And yet, somehow, we do it again. It is a choice when and how often we use each of these techniques. Why is that?

Here we get to the second, less obvious decision. Do I decide to learn more about this on my own or do I just take what comes to me? This choice is available to all of us with every situation we encounter. Each time we choose not to learn we are choosing to remain in our current pattern, to limit ourselves and are ability to lead others. This choice may be the most consequential of all.

Leaders are responsible for handling crises, meeting organizational objectives and caring for the people they lead. Success requires intention and commitment to growth and learning and experience is one of the best teachers of all, if we listen.